Bye, Bye Baby-Blues
Where do I begin? How do I begin to organize my thoughts and share with you this amazing, powerful experience that is to be a mother?
“Having a baby is a wonderful—and WONDER-FULL—experience that makes you laugh, cry, and stare in amazement… all at the same time.”The above quote is a pretty accurate statement, which totally relates to my experience as being a new mother.
Ryder turned 1 month on September 9th and miraculously we have all survived. Actually there is no “miraculously” part to it, but rather the incredible support and goodwill of our mothers, especially my mother who has stayed with us on a daily basis to help with the overwhelming task of being new parents. Without my mother’s help I don’t think we could have “miraculously” survived. We knew that our lives would change and we often wondered the extent of it during our conversations, nevertheless we felt that we were ready for it. Little did we know that we were in for the biggest, toughest and most challenging task of our lives both, as individuals and as a couple. No one, no book or word of advice could have prepared us for how intense this change would be.
As most of you know we were faced with an unplanned C-Section, and complications with my bladder, which resulted in a tear of the bladder and wearing of a catheter for 10 days. These unplanned and unforeseen events made for a slow physical and emotional recovery. I cannot tell you how inadequate I felt for not being able to deliver my baby naturally and that feeling was just a trigger and the beginning of how I would come to feel after the delivery.
In our minds the equation was simple: great pregnancy – no complications = great delivery; Well that tells you how good our math skills are. When our doctor informed us that a C-section was the recommended approach due to how things were progressing, or should I say not progressing, we could not help but to feel sad, disappointed and scared. Nevertheless we tried to keep an optimistic attitude about it, after all we were getting closer to meeting our bebê.
The C-Section was a very traumatic experience for both Duke and I. My body, or what I could feel of it, shook uncontrollably for pretty much the entire procedure. The nurse explained to us that it was a common reaction to the anesthesia called “The Baby-Shakes”. Once Ryder was delivered and attended to by the nurses we got to hold and love him for a quick moment. What a wonderful moment that was. I finally got to meet my bebê. After our brief moment with Ryder he was taken away and Duke had to exit the room as he was not permitted to stay for the remainder of the surgery. It was a scary feeling not having him by my side. Our stay at the hospital lasted four days and then we were on the way home, Duke, Ryder and I.
As the three of us arrived at home from the hospital the reality of it all hit us and we felt a little confused and disoriented like chickens running around with their heads cutoff. All of our running around seemed to be geared towards accommodating the new resident in the house, Ryder. Now that I look back and play that moment in my head it was actually kind of comic. Frodo and Sam were going frantic; Frodo tried to have a taste of Ryder’s foot; I am in pain and in a daze (combination of pain killers and the coming home situation); Duke, well I am not sure what he’s feeling at this point, but by the look in his eyes I can tell you he felt overwhelmed as well; and Ryder, well our little Burrito seemed to be oblivious to the chaos and the only one not bothered by all the commotion. He slept peacefully and angelically in his car seat, however the peaceful state didn’t last for too long and we soon came to realize that our little Ryder needed a fourth trimester inside the womb, as per Dr. Karp’s theory. He wanted to be cared for and held in the same way as when I had him inside my belly, 24/7, and on top of that he had his nights and days mixed up. Let’s just say that bringing home the baby was nothing like the TLC shows. It was both physically and emotionally exhausting and we felt lost at best. For all of you who are not parents, let me tell you that nothing in this world can be or sound more excruciating than the sound of your baby crying while you are unable to silence or sooth him because you just don’t have a clue what is wrong. You are at your most helpless point ever. I felt desperate and I would cry with him inside and out, it was really tough.
Sadly the combination of not being able to deliver my baby vaginally, the challenges and unsuccessful attempt to breastfeed him and the failure to sooth him when he cried uncontrollably led me to experience the Baby-Blues. It was all too much for me to handle. I found myself questioning my abilities and capabilities as a mother and as an individual; my self-confidence and self-reliance were shaken to its core like never before and it was an overwhelming and uncontrollable feeling. I felt as if all of the other “Lauras”—(the wife, the dog mother, the house caretaker, the student, the professional, the friend) all had to be sacrificed for the new me—the mother — and that thought made me panic. I felt as if I had lost control of my life. I have never felt so powerless or scared in my entire life. All of these conflicting feelings were flying through my head, it was really tough to handle, I never thought I would feel this way considering how much I yearned to become a mother. Secretly I felt horribly guilty and ashamed for having these feelings and I kept asking myself why I felt that way. I just did not and could not understand, nor accept, feeling that way and that made things even worse and more intense. How can a time such as this that should evoke so much joy and love also evoke so many conflicting feelings? I knew about the Baby-Blues, but I didn’t know it would happen to me. For some ignorant reason I felt that only women who “lacked motherly instincts” would experience that, but boy was that a slap in the face.
In a few weeks Ryder will turn two months old and I can almost say that the Baby-Blues are almost gone. I feel much better and I can finally enjoy my little bundle of joy the way I was supposed to (if it wasn’t for my hormones trying to get the best of me). I am learning that I don’t have to sacrifice the other Laura’s, but for now they are taking a “mini-vacation” until we all get adjusted into our new roles and into this new chapter in our lives. Duke has also given mini-vacations to all of “his personnel” as well.
Ryder has matured and so has his ability to self-soothe. We are on a much better schedule and his quiet/alertness times are getting better and longer. He is healthy, beautiful and full of life and did I mention that he has a charming-dimpled-smile to die for and that melts your heart?! No amount of obstacles or challenges would lessen my joy and love for him. He is without a doubt what I have asked and waited for and if I had to go through it all over again I would do so without hesitation.
On the delivery day as Ryder took the first gulp of air into his lungs, and his strong cry filled the room my heart and soul was filled with an indescribable feeling. A profound sense of purpose filled my entire being; it was a very emotional and at the same time tangible feeling. I will never forget that moment and how I witnessed the miracle of my son’s life and for that I am grateful to God.
As I said in the beginning of this blog, being a mother has been a powerful and humbling experience with many LOL (Lessons of Life). I always thought that I would be able to do a pretty good job as a mother, that all of my “motherly instincts” would take over and everything would be just as easy as making a dish, but how pretentious of me to think that. Isn’t it amazing how a little being comes into your life and teaches you big lessons?! There isn’t really anything little about babies, except for their little bodies. Everything about them is big; the lessons, the adjustments, the cries, the smiles and most of all the LOVE.
In the same way I didn’t expect the changes and whirlwind a baby brings to your life, I didn’t expect to feel this much love for Ryder. It just blows me away.
In this humbling experience I am learning one very important lesson, maybe the most important of all. As a mother you provide all of the physical aspects in caring for your baby: the diaper changes, the feedings, the baths, etc… but on an emotional aspect a mother has to maintain the emotional umbilical cord that remains after birth and that feeds her child’s heart and soul for forever.
Thank you to all of you for allowing me to share the pregnancy and after-birth experiences with you. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have. I am not sure if I’ll continue with the blog as time is really a scarce commodity in the Glover household these days; maybe when Ryder is 21 I’ll get back to it ;o)
To view some of Ryder's photos and short video click on the link below:
Make sure you have your speakers on for the video.
Photos: http://www.dukesdotcom.com/pictures/Ryder_first_days/index.htm
Video:
http://www.dukesdotcom.com/Rydervideo.html
Laura
